Misunderstood, misplaced, always second guessing, changing voices in my head, overcomplicated, broken, guilty…I can go on and on of the lies I believe, and the truth that is smothered because of the lies.
But piece by piece Jesus tore away the rocks covering the jewel that lies beneath the surface.
Piece by piece He built me up like a mountain top that people stare at in awe, immovable.
Piece by piece Jesus decorated me in royal clothes and set me on a balcony to overlook all my kingdom that goes forever.
(These above were prophesied over me by my team)
Piece by piece He filled the holes that were burned in me, restoring my faith that my God is kind and never abandons His warriors on the battlefield to die.
I say all this not just for you to take my word for it, but to give my overwhelming joy I have the honor to rest in because of His testimony in my life this week.
Monday night:
(I have type 1 diabetes)
I had low blood sugar. When I have low blood sugar I lose control and pretty much become like a drunk person. I have to eat and drink sugar and carbs to raise my blood sugar. So, when I went low I hyper focused on getting to my bed and to my snacks. I to use all my ability to just stay focused. Well it was 9:30pm and I come into my room and turn on the light, well I sleep with 10 other girls and so some of them were in bed. As I was walking I remember hearing their mean comments about how I turned on the light and was inconsiderate and rude. Well, I was not conscious so it hadn’t registered what was happening, but my subconscious knew and I just balled my eyes out. One of teammates came and sweetly asked what was wrong and I had no idea, all I knew was that I was crying and it was weird.
Eventually I came back into the real world and it all was clear and I just felt broken. I just sat there as everyone was getting in bed and just asked the Lord to be my defender, because I wasn’t rude…I was having a medical crisis.
But, as all this was happening the lies Ive been fighting these past 5 months flooded back again. All the times I disrupted or ruined my teams plans because of my disease. All the times I asked to do something they didn’t want to because of my diabetes. All the times I felt so isolated because no one else had the disease
For these months I have never dealt with this kind of pain and type of loneliness. Everyone at home isn’t force to be in my life and share my burdens, they choose to. But, my team is forced to, they can’t leave and I didn’t realize how guilty I would feel.
But, now I don’t just live with my team but with another team as well and it’s so hard, but they don’t understand and that’s ok, but it just adds onto the guilt, for they are now getting caught up in the effects.
Eventually around 11pm I went low again and moved into the kitchen to snack on my chips, still balling my eyes out, but this time in full cry to the Lord. I surrendered everything calling out to Him to fight for me, because I can’t keep hurting the people I love and I can’t keep going if He doesn’t fight for me.
Little did I know He was going to blow my mind.
Tuesday evening:
All day at ministry is just been struggling and after dinner my friend Jaiden and I were talking, and what she was about to tell me blew my mind.
She said “ok so I debated on telling you this or not because I don’t want you to think it’s prophetic, but I had a dream last night that you came up and told me you were leaving the race and going home because you felt guilty that your diabetes was a burden to everyone and you could t take it anymore. I then cried in my dream and woke up with tears on my face.”
I just sat there mouth open and my heart pounding, like she’s kidding me.
She knew nothing.
As I was crying out to God, He was fighting for me through Jaiden’s dreams.
I DARE YOU TO TELL THIS GOD!
THE GOD OF MOSES.
THE GOD OF ABRAHAM!
THE GOD OF KING DAVID!
THE GOD WHO PARTED THE RED SEA! THE GOD WHO SENT THUNDER AND EARTHQUAKES ON MOUNT SINAI!
THE GOD OF INFINITE POWER AND MAJESTY!
THIS GOD, is fighting for me, simple little me.
THIS GOD OF JEALOUS WRATH AND ULTIMATE AUTHORITY, holds me gently like I’m child running to their father.
I am staying on the World Race, I am dying to myself to finish with strength and glory to the One who has placed me here.
For everything worthwhile is an uphill climb.
You are an amazing young lady. Don’t let your joy be compromised. I remember the confidence when you stood up and claimed “I will be healed of this”. That razor focus is what makes you – you. Don’t lose that. Love ya Jules.
Wow, what a beautiful journey. Made me cry. Jesus does love you and your broken pancreas! I love the revelation of “you running like a child to their father”. I pray He continues to overwhelm you with the revelation of His love for you! I love the beginning words that your team spoke over you….beautiful truths! Thank you for sharing your journey! Loved reading it!
LOVE YOU JULES!!!
Julianna, you’re gonna come out of this experience stronger and wiser! We are praying for you, always. Isaiah 26:3,4
Julianna, Thanks for being vulnerable both here and with your team/squad. It is no surprise that God is/will be the One to teach your squad how to love and support you well. Keep pressing. There’s a whole pack-a-parents who can’t wait to see you in three weeks! Of course you are going to finish this Race! I know you only a bit, but enough to know not finishing isn’t even an option unless it comes to you by direct lighting bolt from God! Ever praying for you from here, girl!
You’ve been on my mind a lot, lately, Julianna – wondering what country you’re in, wondering what it’s like, and wondering how you’re doing. I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask if you had a blog or something before now. I just stumbled across this site today as I’m working on my tax return, and it was such a timely blessing. All so, so good. I am more certain than ever that God is real, and that He loves His children. And that He so obviously loves you.
I guess this most recent post of yours is from over a month ago, so there is still some catching up to do. I’m looking forward to hearing all about this amazing work as soon as you get back. It will be especially good to hear you and Barbara laugh out loud together, again.
I am sure you and your team have spent lots of time in Philippians. It is such a timeless encouragement. In chapter 3, verses 12-15, Paul writes, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
Press on, Julianna.
Barbara’s dad